dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
