I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
