OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
