Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
