if you like me you must not know who I am
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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