Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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