Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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