Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize