sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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