I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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