his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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