Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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