I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
