so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
