bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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