I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize