I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
