I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
