I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
