if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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