My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
