i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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