the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
