Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
