omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
