he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
