i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I need a burrito and a hug.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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