Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I didn't notice because vodka
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize