How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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