When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
