I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
