Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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