Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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