My room smells like vodka and shame
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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