I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
