Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
false alarm. still invincible.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
