I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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