my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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