right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
