He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Everyone says I win the strip club
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
