Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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