k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
They took my balls.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
