Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
