Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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