i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
