EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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