i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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