She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
