im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
