Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
