Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
