I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
