I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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