I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
