She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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